awhile

it's been awhile.....

did you know that it has been over a year since i read an actual book cover to cover? i'm ashamed to say that something that was my favorite past time and guilty pleasure.. now is a distant memory. how dramatic.

but, no really. i'm sad to say that i really miss going to mph or kinokuniya and leafing through brand new novels and sampling a little from anything that catches my eye. no, scratch that. going to a secondhand bookstore is even better because you can tell which books are good. the ones with the dog ears, the highlighted pages, worn out bindings... yeah, that's how you know that the previous owner really loved the book.

shall reconnect with reading soon. and writing. i miss clearing my head of my thoughts.

goodnight

I found these old files of mine, when I used to save some of my conversations with friends on MSN (haha, remember those days?!)
It is sooo nostalgic to look back on the topics we used to talk about. There was one where Leona was telling me about her dream about me, Stanley and I were talking about some pretty deep topics for a 13 year old and 15 year old...
Really makes you look back on life and see how far we've all come since then. I really wished I stayed in touch with more people. I'm bad with keeping in touch! Shall add that to my list of resolutions.

a little too much

19 more days till getting on another plane that will lead me far far away from here again. granted, it would be a magnificent A380, at least for the first part of my journey. excitement creeps in now and again, but then shortly after i would be jolted by the fact that i may not be coming back here for at least a couple of years. not going to be less than 20 meters away from my parents, not able to just walk downstairs to sayang ruffles... no more late night mamak sessions at the malay shop with friends.

it's silly i know. people say, it's not the end of the world. but it really does seem like a damn long time to be away from familiarity, and the people who always make you feel loved.

but enough bittersweetness for now. focus!

excited for next term. biochemistry with my favorite professor - even at 7.10 in the a.m., it still seems to be a promising class. and plans... to get a pet very soon :)

goodnight.

immaturity

This is going to be a wordy post. I realize that this blog started off with the intentions of being filled with pretty pictures and lovely stories, but sometimes I just need to clear these cobwebs that have been collecting in my soul.

Being so far away from home has definitely changed me. For better or for worse, I really don't know yet. I'm hopeful that it is for the better though. Well anyways, the time I've spent here, it has been a great learning experience. You never realize how much you depend on people until the moment when you're separated and suddenly you're left with all these decisions you have to make, and whatever it is you need to do to survive in the world.

I was only a child, and children make mistakes. Children are easily influenced, their brains are like play-doh, and you need the right person to mould you, if you want to be someone worthy. You were never a worthy choice for me, and I have no one else to blame but myself for making such a poor judgement. Can I blame you for treating me like an adult when I was clearly not one? What I have now is a sad predicament when all I can do is look back and only see years of bad decisions made one after another. But you know what makes me happy now? After all the dust has settled, and the realization dawns upon me that there is really NO point at all to bother about you anymore... My future is bright. I have something to look forward to, and something that I can proudly say that I am making progress towards. I realized that I am fortunate, to have this opportunity, and that whatever time I spend regretting the past is just a waste... of time, of energy, of my soul.

So, no, while I am never really going to get over the fact that I wasted so much of my time heading to nowhere, I have this moment now and the moments after this one, to have a better life. You'll probably never ever read this, nor would you even have the capacity to see that I can forget you easily, not because I'm a heartless person, but because you were not someone worthy of remembering to me.

what to do when you are supposed to be happy and everything but you're really not? 

don't mean for this to be an emotional post or whatever but sometimes i feel so trapped and i don't know what to do or say, or pretend anymore.

i'm supposed to be having the time of my life but honestly, i'm more down than ever.

this weather is driving me crazy, i hate being in such a dry environment where heaters are making it worse than ever.

i think i have aged 10 years since coming here.

we need to share more, y'all

Watching a documentary about Wal-Mart in all its evil glory. One of the largest corporations in the United States of America, Wal-Mart is either a godsend or a curse from hell. As for me, I love walking in Wal-Mart. Aisles and aisles of items you can trade your good dollar for in exchange for an "improved" life.

The documentary starts off with a man, presumably the CEO of Wal-Mart, giving a speech about how Wal-Mart is an evolutionary company that cares for its employees and offers low prices for the benefits of their followers customers, providing opportunities for lower income families to buy the bare necessities for less than a dollar.

But do we think about what really goes on? No, unless you work at Wal-Mart or you know someone who works in Wal-Mart, you wouldn't be exposed to the lack of ethics in this looming corporate giant. Severely unpaid employees and the closures of generations-old mom and pop shops. As the people who are at the top get richer and richer, its hardest working employees work so hard to get by.Slowly but surely, the United States is turning into a colorful playground of supercenters. Yep. The obese version of supermarkets has arrived -- supercenters now.

You know there's a problem when your corporation earns billions and billions of blood, sweat and tears and you only donate 1% back into improving other people's lives -- as you are apparently so eager to do. One part out of a hundred, is that how much you think the ratio should be? What a materialistic world we are living in. Way back in the day, we used to help each other succeed. Why is it that now, we are so greedy and unwilling to share?

Regardless of all this, I am a hypocrite in this case, and although I am aware of it, I would still shop in Wal-Mart. As always, I am on the guilty side.

To anyone who wonders if a modern day devil exists, he does, and his name is Wal-Mart.

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

I thought I knew who I was, and then I come here and realize that I am actually a much less achieved person than I had planned to be years ago. 

Reading back old blog posts from purplepandapotato and reminiscing on the happier times in high school (!) where small things like spot checks and teachers with viking hairstyles seemed like the only things to worry about.

So much work to do, but I can't concentrate. 2 more days until winter break; but it doesn't feel like winter at all.

First Christmas away from family :(, and it really makes me realize how much I used to take things for granted!

No snow either. Boo to you, global warming! Was counting on having a white Christmas for the first time.

ps. "Your mom's chest hair!" quote from Mean Girls gets me every time. haha