awhile

it's been awhile.....

did you know that it has been over a year since i read an actual book cover to cover? i'm ashamed to say that something that was my favorite past time and guilty pleasure.. now is a distant memory. how dramatic.

but, no really. i'm sad to say that i really miss going to mph or kinokuniya and leafing through brand new novels and sampling a little from anything that catches my eye. no, scratch that. going to a secondhand bookstore is even better because you can tell which books are good. the ones with the dog ears, the highlighted pages, worn out bindings... yeah, that's how you know that the previous owner really loved the book.

shall reconnect with reading soon. and writing. i miss clearing my head of my thoughts.

goodnight

I found these old files of mine, when I used to save some of my conversations with friends on MSN (haha, remember those days?!)
It is sooo nostalgic to look back on the topics we used to talk about. There was one where Leona was telling me about her dream about me, Stanley and I were talking about some pretty deep topics for a 13 year old and 15 year old...
Really makes you look back on life and see how far we've all come since then. I really wished I stayed in touch with more people. I'm bad with keeping in touch! Shall add that to my list of resolutions.

a little too much

19 more days till getting on another plane that will lead me far far away from here again. granted, it would be a magnificent A380, at least for the first part of my journey. excitement creeps in now and again, but then shortly after i would be jolted by the fact that i may not be coming back here for at least a couple of years. not going to be less than 20 meters away from my parents, not able to just walk downstairs to sayang ruffles... no more late night mamak sessions at the malay shop with friends.

it's silly i know. people say, it's not the end of the world. but it really does seem like a damn long time to be away from familiarity, and the people who always make you feel loved.

but enough bittersweetness for now. focus!

excited for next term. biochemistry with my favorite professor - even at 7.10 in the a.m., it still seems to be a promising class. and plans... to get a pet very soon :)

goodnight.

immaturity

This is going to be a wordy post. I realize that this blog started off with the intentions of being filled with pretty pictures and lovely stories, but sometimes I just need to clear these cobwebs that have been collecting in my soul.

Being so far away from home has definitely changed me. For better or for worse, I really don't know yet. I'm hopeful that it is for the better though. Well anyways, the time I've spent here, it has been a great learning experience. You never realize how much you depend on people until the moment when you're separated and suddenly you're left with all these decisions you have to make, and whatever it is you need to do to survive in the world.

I was only a child, and children make mistakes. Children are easily influenced, their brains are like play-doh, and you need the right person to mould you, if you want to be someone worthy. You were never a worthy choice for me, and I have no one else to blame but myself for making such a poor judgement. Can I blame you for treating me like an adult when I was clearly not one? What I have now is a sad predicament when all I can do is look back and only see years of bad decisions made one after another. But you know what makes me happy now? After all the dust has settled, and the realization dawns upon me that there is really NO point at all to bother about you anymore... My future is bright. I have something to look forward to, and something that I can proudly say that I am making progress towards. I realized that I am fortunate, to have this opportunity, and that whatever time I spend regretting the past is just a waste... of time, of energy, of my soul.

So, no, while I am never really going to get over the fact that I wasted so much of my time heading to nowhere, I have this moment now and the moments after this one, to have a better life. You'll probably never ever read this, nor would you even have the capacity to see that I can forget you easily, not because I'm a heartless person, but because you were not someone worthy of remembering to me.

what to do when you are supposed to be happy and everything but you're really not? 

don't mean for this to be an emotional post or whatever but sometimes i feel so trapped and i don't know what to do or say, or pretend anymore.

i'm supposed to be having the time of my life but honestly, i'm more down than ever.

this weather is driving me crazy, i hate being in such a dry environment where heaters are making it worse than ever.

i think i have aged 10 years since coming here.

we need to share more, y'all

Watching a documentary about Wal-Mart in all its evil glory. One of the largest corporations in the United States of America, Wal-Mart is either a godsend or a curse from hell. As for me, I love walking in Wal-Mart. Aisles and aisles of items you can trade your good dollar for in exchange for an "improved" life.

The documentary starts off with a man, presumably the CEO of Wal-Mart, giving a speech about how Wal-Mart is an evolutionary company that cares for its employees and offers low prices for the benefits of their followers customers, providing opportunities for lower income families to buy the bare necessities for less than a dollar.

But do we think about what really goes on? No, unless you work at Wal-Mart or you know someone who works in Wal-Mart, you wouldn't be exposed to the lack of ethics in this looming corporate giant. Severely unpaid employees and the closures of generations-old mom and pop shops. As the people who are at the top get richer and richer, its hardest working employees work so hard to get by.Slowly but surely, the United States is turning into a colorful playground of supercenters. Yep. The obese version of supermarkets has arrived -- supercenters now.

You know there's a problem when your corporation earns billions and billions of blood, sweat and tears and you only donate 1% back into improving other people's lives -- as you are apparently so eager to do. One part out of a hundred, is that how much you think the ratio should be? What a materialistic world we are living in. Way back in the day, we used to help each other succeed. Why is it that now, we are so greedy and unwilling to share?

Regardless of all this, I am a hypocrite in this case, and although I am aware of it, I would still shop in Wal-Mart. As always, I am on the guilty side.

To anyone who wonders if a modern day devil exists, he does, and his name is Wal-Mart.

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

I thought I knew who I was, and then I come here and realize that I am actually a much less achieved person than I had planned to be years ago. 

Reading back old blog posts from purplepandapotato and reminiscing on the happier times in high school (!) where small things like spot checks and teachers with viking hairstyles seemed like the only things to worry about.

So much work to do, but I can't concentrate. 2 more days until winter break; but it doesn't feel like winter at all.

First Christmas away from family :(, and it really makes me realize how much I used to take things for granted!

No snow either. Boo to you, global warming! Was counting on having a white Christmas for the first time.

ps. "Your mom's chest hair!" quote from Mean Girls gets me every time. haha

drag and drop it, zip - unzip it

there's just something comforting about the sound of the albumin of a chicken egg hitting hot fat sizzling in a frying pan.

the clicky sound the spark of the stove makes when force is applied on top of a white circular press button thingy.

crack goes the shell; splat goes the egg.

midnight snacks and the crazy thoughts that accompany it.

crack, splat, sizzle.

kinda like my brain when it's being fried with all this buzzing in my head.

and out of nowhere i feel that life is so brief - just like that macbeth poem that we studied in form one.

tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow.

i still remember the first few verses because we used to repeat them in this funny voice in class.

this reminds me of the phrase i saw on facebook earlier - the psychology of regret.

regret.

once, i almost threw up because of that sickening feeling you get when you feel like you wasted your life.

nevermind, i shall go to sleep.

////////

we are so fortunate yet at times we act like bitches just because something doesn't go our way. and then the thought comes; who gives me the right to do so when we know so little of what it means to suffer? 

////////

green tea

i miss you
:(

burnnn

just when i thought you wouldn't outdo yourself...

thanks for the laugh!

bahahhahahhahaha

hola señor, ¿cómo estás?

Rhode Island is great. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I'm still back in Malaysia and then something snaps me back to reality; a cold gust of wind, the sight of a hot American guy or girl (haha), or the sound of accents that are so unlike a Malaysian one.

Nothing much has really changed aside from the fact that I am so busy now, I barely have time to watch tv. Yes, not even the temptation of the 99 cable channels can draw me away from my books. No. I just have too much to read and write.

I learnt how to say 'beer' in Spanish! Cerveza.

Happy, and getting a little chubby.

<3

sweet dreams from my childhood bed

it is currently 3.39AM and i am about 60% finished packing. i bought a giant orange hard-shell suitcase - the biggest size they had - and i really thought i wasn't bringing much. but now when all the things are clumped together, it really seems like there isn't enough space. haha.

granted, there are things that take up a lot of space like, this brown furry blanket which my mum is asking me to bring along to keep me warm. and a few recipe books for my reference. i keep asking myself; is this really necessary? and most of the time the answer is no. haha.

i am also surprised that i am bringing quite a small amount of clothes. i do realize that i am lacking pajamas. but i don't wanna waste precious luggage space bringing a bunch of old clothes that i'm only gonna sleep in.

anyways, all this packing is making me reminisce and nostalgic. there really isn't any better way to relive the past and get emotional a few times. and now, my room is in a real mess, but i'm just too tired to continue packing so, goodnight world.

let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of france

the checklist is 50% completed so far. but nothing truly feels real yet. no, i guess it won't feel real until the moment i get the flight ticket showing the date and time. or maybe not even then.

more than half of the year has gone by, and i've just been idle all this while, yet time passed so quickly. it hardly even feels like 7 months, but there it is. 7 months have passed and i'm approximately 24 days away from leaving.

bittersweet. i guess that's what most people feel. slightly more to the bitter side for now. i'm gonna miss so many things here, and with every day that passes, i don't know why, but i just feel anxious. the moment i get slightly excited, it quickly goes away and is replaced by some nostalgic feeling and i think of all the things i'm not going to have when i'm there.

i suppose i'm just emo about leaving malaysia. my home for the past 20 years. i don't know what to expect.

but i sure am glad i'm not going to be alone. :)

over

the funny thing about the past is that no matter how hard you try to forget it, it somehow manages to creep up on you in the most silent manner ever.

and then suddenly you find yourself looking back and feeling.... regret.

that's what happens to me anyway.

i hate thinking that you got a much better treatment from me than you deserved. i hate that i let you get away with so many things. i hate that i never gave you a chunk of my mind. i hate that you're off somewhere thinking you were the best ever, and that nothing you did was wrong. i hate how naive i was. but most of all, i hate that there is nothing that i can do about it.

it's probably too late to even bother with all these regrets, and wallowing in it once in awhile. i know that nothing good can ever come from it, but i can't just let it go like that.

i wish that i grew up and opened my mind to other things instead.

and no, it's not the same now. it was never my status, it was just you.

as much as i dislike the fact that you're getting away scot-free, it's not good for me to think about what should have been. so you know what, here's to you. i hope that you know that contrary to what you think, you need to do some growing up of your own and i hope one day if you think back on the past like i have, you will find that you did things that were wrong, and i sincerely hope you learn from it.

i'm trying my best to let this bitterness pass.

i need a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down.

what happened on your 24th birthday

This song is like what describes my life right now. Not the lyrics exactly, but just the way she sings it, in such a romantic way - something like a scene out of a sweet love story... that hopefulness in her voice kills me.

No, I don't know what is up with me , I laugh too much recently . and you know it's because of you , my dear .

(edit:

I've listened to this song at least 6 times now and every single time I hear it, I tear up. Emotional much? haha. But i don't know. This song just makes me feel such a mix of emotions, happiness, gratefulness, sadness, poignant sadness. All of those rolled into one. But it's rolled up in a cozy, comforting way.)

he likes me for me

2011 is the year of growing up for me.

i don't want to be that same girl in high school who trembled at the thought of being somewhere far from my family.

i don't want to be someone who doesn't take a chance or opportunity when it presents itself.

i don't want to be "just another student".

in other words, i just need a new place.

i want to break free.

be my mirror, my sword and shield

the past few days have been bumpy

sad things happened - the worst for any parent

could not wrap my head around it

what else is there besides the fact that life is so fragile

and regardless how young we are, we are not invincible

and yet we tend to take things for granted.

it's true what Wei Yan said on twitter the other day:

"We were too young for all these, you know. Dressing up for funeral, what to say, ceremonies. WE HAVEN'T LIVED." (Farshad Derakhshandeh '09)

and i'm sorry that i didn't know the right things to say to make you feel better.

but then again at the end of the day, words are words and they will never truly remove feelings of sadness

i'll just be here.

welcome to the world

My Blackberry is love.

It's really become something I can't live without. Is that bad? Haha.

Feeling so unproductive lately.

I find myself collecting an unhealthy amount of nail polishes. Okay it's not that bad, but the other day I bought 3 at once and I felt super guilty about it.

Super random post. I know.

I want to p-p-p-partayyyy!

Bye :D

you're my exception

"I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn't. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

- Mary, He's Just Not That Into You

trees, time and tides

My mother has always been someone who notices the trees that grow by the sides of the roads.

She likes to comment on those that grew in a special way, and those she found unique.

I used to always think; why does my mother like to stare at the trees when there are other things to see?

I never really understood, until one day, I found myself noticing the trees. The very same trees she liked and mentioned of in the past.

Then I realized why my mother was so observant when it came to trees. It wasn't necessarily about the trees. It was more of how our world is rapidly changing. & I can't imagine how different the world must have been to my mother as a child and teenager. How things were so much simpler back then. Those days, trees surrounded people. Now, concrete structures have taken their place.

So then I understood. It wasn't about the trees at all.

Through my mother's eyes, those trees are reminders of the days gone by. Tiny glimpses of her past.

& then I had that strange, nostalgic feeling that comes around every once in awhile.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe my mother just has a passion for botany.

But anyways, now I take notice of the trees. & appreciate the time and surroundings that I'm in - because one day, it will all be so different.
Sent by DiGi from my BlackBerry® Smartphone